monster
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a prehistoric shark flying through the skies attacking air traffic while his eight-legged arch-enemy shakes submarines to death in a truly terrible monster from the depths of movie-making.
‘Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus’ - a movie so mindlessly dreadful from start to finish that the temptation is to raise the fon t size to maximum and just write the word ‘Shite’, safe in the knowledge that the review would be accurate. And yet it’s so terrible that it actually starts to nudge into the same category as ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’, ‘Manos’, ‘The Swarm’ and my personal favourite ‘Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter’ which, despite their failings, exude a near-mesmeric kind of goofy charm because you just know the directors of those cracked gems all thought they were making cinematic masterpieces.
Bearing that in mind – and that I’ve lost 85 minutes of my life that I’m never getting back because of it – I feel obliged to share some of the things I’ve learn from the film with you all.
1. Prehistoric sharks can fly. Or at least jump REALLY high. An impressive feat when you bear in mind this particular shark is the size of a jumbo jet and actually made it to cloud height. At which point I learnt something else.
2. Prehistoric sharks eat passenger aircraft. One can only assume their eating habits have evolved over 100,000 years and that pterodactyls must’ve had a far harder time then we first thought.
3. Upon release from an icy prison in the Arctic, a giant squid will immediately head for the nearest oil rig to Tokyo and slap it about a bit.
4. It’s easy to take a military mini-sub on a joyride. This may be because the US Navy appears to only have one guard and is actually based at a small industrial plant in the desert. And he always wears sunglasses.
5. Visibility from said mini-subs must be awful as, despite the multi-jumbo jet sized sea creatures being right in front of it, the occupants weren’t completely sure they’d seen anything.
6. If in doubt, film an aquarium and just pretend.
7. Submarines will disappear if given a little shake by a rubber tentacle. Thank goodness Hitler didn’t know.
8. It’s amazing how quickly substances can be produced and material identified by fizzy cherryade and test-tubes.
9. Squids and sharks loathe each other and love nothing more then a good fight to the death, happily swimming halfway across the earth to continue one from earlier.
10. Just waving a tentacle in the air is enough for a plane to blow up.
The only excuse one can find for just how bad 'MS vs GO’ is would be that the whole budget may well have been blown on getting a ‘star’ name to appear. That dubious honour goes to Miss Deborah Gibson, one-time 80s US chart darling whose floundering career of the past two decades may have led her to think that this was a good time to reboot her career as a serious actress. Oops. The 15 certificate is also bemusing here as not only is ‘MS vs GO’ suitable for children but it appears to have been written and directed by them as well.
If very drunk and watched with a group of very drunk friends then there is some fun to be had here…it’d be impossible not to. Just be aware that it’ll take a lot of alcohol and, if you pass out, don’t worry. Really. You may still be better off.
Pokemon the First Movie? Cliffhanger much!?
Before viewing
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"The First Movie"?? "THE FIRST MOVIE!?!?" What the hell??
Okay, let me start from the beginning. It took me a while to find this movie, not because it's rare, but because there are so MANY ****ING SEQUELS IT'S NOT EAST TO FIND THE FIRST ONE. After about half-an-hour o searching, I found the first movie, which is LITERALLY called "Pokemon: THE FIRST MOVIE".
What the hell is THAT? That's like if they called the first ord of the rings "Lord of the Rings: don't worry we're going to have a SH*T LOAD OF SEQUELS!"
it's BULLSH*T! Now, to be honest, I wasn't much a Pokemon guy when I was growing up.
I as more into the video game (SEGA) category. I have some decent knowledge of what the whole deal behind Pokemon is, so don't worry, I'm not writing blind.
After Viewing (all who hate yelling, do not read)
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THIS IS THE WORST ***KING MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!
It sucks @$$, it sucks balls, it just... SUCKS!
Okay... fr those of you unaware of the "genius" plot of Pokemon, here's the general story. (I don't know the exact story, so here's my generalization)
Pokemon are basically creatures that you capture in some strange balls and you make fight eachother. But the balls turn big when you catch one, and small so they can fit in your pocket. So why didn't they just call them Pocket monsters? It would make a lot more... wait a second
Pokemon = Pocket Monster
You've GOT to be kidding.
Ok,ok back to the review. So there are these scientists looking for the ultimate pokemon (mew, who we will get to later). And other scientists are making a CLONE of Mew. What do they call it? Mewtwo...
Nevermind, so it goes to our main characters, Ash, Misty, and Brock. Typical anime characters in my opinion. Anyway, they get an invetation to a tournament (psst, it's a trap), but unfotunantly can't go due to an extremely unrelated scene of a hurrican that randomly pops up. WTF... So Jessy, James, and Meowth (our gay badguys)
dress up as, um, vikings...
to sail them across. They of course make it in a really bad scene where the boat tips over and they have to use pokemon to swim across, again, IN A HURRICANE.
They get to the tournament and, like i said, it's a trap. Mewtwo captures the pokemon, makes clones of them, and uses them for some sh*t like, you guessed it, destoying the world because he's to emo to realize what we will talk about later.
Ash saves the pokemon (the originals) and the Pokemon/Pokemon clones fight to the death. B*tch slapping, tackling, and punching. you know, FOR KIDS. During all this madness, Ash makes a STUNNING realization.
"Fighting must be... bad"
Bravo Ash, you finally conjured up the brains to figure it out.
They keep saying sh*t like "fighting is BAD" "DON'T FIGHT" yadayadayada blahblahblah. They keep going on, and on for about an hour until Mew shows up. But here's the thing, Mew is mentally retarded, and NOT in the good way. They are of course, equal and Ash (being the SMART one that he is) jumps right in the middle of two beams. Unfortunatly, he didn't die, he just got turned into a statue. :(
All the Pokemon cry and... oh god, don't tell me. They ARE, they're using their tears of unfathomable sadness to bring him back to life...
WHAT A LOAD! is that what you want to teach your kid!? That if a loved one dies, you just have to cry hard enough to bring him back!? What if they did that in the Lion King? They would have ONE MOVIE. Well, he get's up and Mewtwo stops being Emo, takes his clones and get's the hell out. WHAT AN ENDING.
Ugh, I'm F*cking done watching this movie
I'm the CinemaCritic, I review it so YOU don't have to watch it
